The End of Suffering
Regardless of ones station, there is little chance of making it through a lifetime without some amount of difficulty and pain. Acknowledging this fact is useful in potentially encouraging more plausible expectations and acceptance of the way things are. However, too often, this inextricable truth is misperceived and becomes an enabler for imposing needless suffering upon ourselves and others.
The other day I was parking my car. It was the corner spot on my street so I spent a few extra moments carefully backing up within inches of the crosswalk. Anyone who has to deal with alternate-side of the street parking rules on a regular basis knows the frustration of someone taking up two spaces, and can appreciate the common courtesy of parking as I did. But when I got out of my car, there was a woman sitting at the outdoor cafe there that took umbrage with me:
“Why did you park so close to the corner? You got plenty of room in front of you. You’re stupid. Now, somebody is gonna come around the corner and hit you.”
“Yeah, but I live on this street and I know how hard it is to find a parking space around here. This way, more people can park. I’ll take my chances.”
“What do you give a fuck about other people? Worry about yourself.”
“Well, I appreciate your concern for my car but I kind of give a fuck about other people. My life is better because of it. You have a good day.”
The encounter was profoundly ironic. The woman at the cafe sincerely believed that my interests were best served by taking proactive steps to prevent my potential suffering over a smashed car bumper, even at the expense of being inconsiderate of others. Consequently, she thought it was stupid of me to care more about how my actions might affect other people than to worry about what might happen if I parked closer to the curb. Yet to me, having consideration for other people and not worrying about myself so much are two specific attributes I have identified that actually alleviate suffering for me in a real, not imagined, way.
Only a few days earlier I was confronted by essentially the same disparity in world views concerning vastly more important matters than where I park my car. Endemic to my family are grudge-holding, dis-communication, and hurtful misgivings. For this reason, I have kept my family largely at bay for most of my adult life. Now that I am a father and I feel compelled to provide my daughter some relationship with her extended family, I lament the distance that has settled in over the years.
In attempting to reestablish connections, I find myself in dialogue with family members who are not able to be so with each other. Everyone is hurt and has legitimate reasons for feeling offended. There are no saints in our family and the dysfunction runs deep. In avoiding engagement, my past indifference makes me no less culpable.
The question is, as individuals, do we have it in us to change deeply entrenched dynamics of mistreatment and suffering?
Honestly, it’s a tall order. Given how few are accustomed to unconditional forgiveness and acceptance, there is good reason to be skeptical. But a most cruel paradox it is that the source of our deepest regrets is also where we derive the required facility to overcome the challenge. In pondering the nature of our discord, we potentially unlock a primer for alleviating suffering.
Even the most cynical of atheists can generally agree that there is some force or mechanism that causes a single cell to divide, multiply and develop into a heart and a mind and a spine and the complex system of experience and perception that we call a human being. Unfortunately, doctrinal and cultural persuasion has made our primordial origins into an abstract thing that seems separate from ourselves and our ordinary lives, something more for priests or scientists and not of everyday purview. This fundamental flaw in perception is what shapes the thinking and behaviors that constitute suffering.
When life is viewed through a cold or judgmental lens, we are invariably discontent and consumed with fear over what might come to pass. In this, we demonize others and have no choice but to search for a means of consolation where there is none. When we see ourselves and others as an expression of extreme intelligence, and life as a nurturing source from which our existence has come, small aggravations become less bothersome, and forgiveness and acceptance are more readily available.
As I sit here, I suffer from chronic inflammation, financial stress, and the heartache of an honest man observing injustice in the world. I have no certainty about what is going to happen, whether it regards my car or anything else. I experience fear in the face of all this. But these sufferings and fears will not stop me from knowing the joy of living out my life, with all its love and sorrow.
Thank you for this expression. I feel you completely.
Well said. Thanks for sharing. I do feel similar stresses and struggle to balance those with an outlook that’s positive and compassionate.
I am intrigued by the irony of someone suggesting you are stupid for giving a fuck about others when she is doing that very thing by pointing out the risk to your car. Did you acknowledge later that she was providing you with care in her own strange way or did you notice it right at the time?
Personally I have difficulty getting past that flash of defensiveness when someone doesn’t behave or speak in a manner I am comfortable with, even while later realizing that there was more care present then many who use a more acceptable manner.
Great food for thought!
Hey Byrone-
The conversation happened in a minute. And I am actually a little annoyed with myself that I didn’t explore further the fact that she was giving a fuck about me. You’re right, in its own way, it was an act of care. Even more ironic then I considered. There was definitely a flash of defensiveness there, par for the course in Brooklyn.
Your addendum is greatly appreciated.
yep, I was thinking exactly what Byron said! how very ironic of her to give a fuck about you and your car while lecturing you on why you should not give a fuck about others. LOL! Anyway, great article as always. I can so relate. Thanks for keeping it real.
Hi – thanks for this and your other prior writing. A glaring inconsistency – why do you assume atheists are cynical by default? I can’t speak for all atheists (well I could, but it wouldn’t be valid, now would it?) but I certainly am not cyncial, nor are many atheists who I know. In fact, we are LESS cynical than those who believe in the mysterious higher powers, the gods, be they the ambiguously explained “yoga deities” cherrypicked from the broadly defined “Hindu tradition”, which as we know is a recent western amalgam of many other religions in the area, or any of the Abrahamic religions, or even FSM or the arcane LOB, who of course is on the increase…all of those require a cynical suspension of personal responsibility and knowledge of the world. No, atheists are not cynical, even when we chant “vande gurunam” every day, redefining what it means for us, what it really means; and knowing that it’s only the latter part of a bigger religious prayer, nicely emended for more universal use.
Religion, like your writing, is an attempt to use language to describe universal truths, or common truths or experiences. You sell yourself short, you do a disservice to yourself and your writing, to blithely take a shortcut and say that atheists are cynical. We’re not; we’re free from the shackles of dogma. And that works well in the asana practice as well. It’s there to serve us, not the other way around.
And here is where we traditionally say, Namaste. Or any other signoff that might be funny. Can’t think of one just now.
Regards.
Hey rural14-
Forgive me, in using the phrase “even the most cynical of atheists,” I did not intend to imply that all atheists are cynical, or that being cynical is a bad thing. Some of my best friends are cynics and I tend that way myself sometimes. I was merely trying to think of the most extreme example of someone who might potentially disagree with the notion that there is some mechanism (or force) behind life, separate from any religion or dogma.
If by atheist we mean to be free of the shackles of dogma then call me an atheist too. Yet, if by atheist we mean that life is just an existential mish-mosh, that there is no inherent order, then count me out. Either way, I was attempting to set a context for life that shapes our lens of perception in a way that anyone can accept and appreciate. I did not mean to slight my atheist friends.
I couldn’t agree more that asana practice is “there to serve us, not the other way around.” I could say the same of life, in general.
Thanks for reading and taking a moment.
I appreciate the discernment.
Cheers.
“notion that there is some mechanism (or force) behind life, separate from any religion or dogma.” – I am afraid that this doesn’t really mean anything. Some people like to say “I don’t believe in God, but I believe that there is something bigger…” Bigger than what? This doesn’t say anything.
I would like to recommend “On What There Is” by W.V.O. Quine and “The Elimination of Metaphysics…” by Rudolf Carnap. There have been so many smart people thinking about these questions, even before Frege and Russell, and much has been already said.
This is just a question of language – what is “force”, what is “mechanism”, etc. These are just metaphors for describing the outer world. There is no person who really knows what is “force”, what is “energy”, what is “electricity”, or even what is “feedback”. We just keep playing with these metaphors and following our intuition. The same is true about “ahimsa”, “satya”, etc. We just keep redefining these terms. “Ahimsa” never meant vegetarianism, but now suddenly it does, and we are making it look as if it always did
“Yoga” never meant an acrobatic physical practice, but now it does, and now we are trying to rediscover the past, “real” mind-body yoga that never existed, just like in the Soviet Union that were trying to rediscover the “real” communism, or in the United States they are trying to rediscover the “real” democracy.
Another interesting reading on the subject is “Making Sense of Life” by Evelyn Fox Keller.
This is a great read and I really got something from it. Thanks
Recently, soon after the hurricane Sandy, I remember how the first subway line opened to Brooklyn, so instead of taking the shuttle I decided to take the 4/5 train. There were many people waiting at the Grand Central station. Just when I came, the sign said “18 minutes before the next train”. So we stand there and wait for 18 minutes. I took the time to relax and enjoy the scene, since it was Saturday night and I didn’t have to go anywhere. I doubt that most people had to go anywhere either, it was 10pm, yet most people looked anxious as if they were late, and waiting for 18 minutes caused them terrible suffering.
As the train arrived and we were squeezing in, I found myself amused at the fact that there were also people waiting at the following stations such as the Union Square that were, perhaps, equally packed with people, yet now our train was full. Indeed, as we arrived at Union Square and later at a couple other big stations, the same thing happened. People from the outside wanted to come in. Yet you know how subways in New York are – and in many other parts of the United States. People stand where they are. Even though in the middle of the car people may be standing with literally feet between them, or even an empty seat, it may be extremely crowded near the door so nobody could squeeze in. Even though I don’t like many things about Russia, my home country, there people would keep walking into the middle of the car. But in that case, even though it was the first train after the hurricane and people wanted to go home, almost every one was not in a hurry to walk into the middle of the car. So, well, I couldn’t stand it and started everyone what to do in a rather loud voice – that is, that people had to move to the center of the car so that others could come in… I did it another one or two times at the following big stations. It seems like it had some effect – or would it have happened anyway?…
A few days later I was talking about it to my friend, and he disapproved with the way in which I behaved. He explained that I should’ve minded my own business. After all, – he said, – those people waiting for a train could’ve waited another 10 minutes, this was not such a big deal. Besides, I didn’t really know what was happening in the lives of those people who were not moving towards the center of the car. Yet if one of them suddenly went crazy and hurt me (this idiot in the subway that was telling him what to do) so I got injured or even worse, that would’ve been a really bad thing for me and for the humanity, since I am doing and probably will do many much important things.
In other words, my friend said that I should pick my battles and use some common sense. I think, the same wisdom applies in the example with parking. Perhaps, J., you should compare the service you are doing by leaving an extra parking spot with the potential disservice to the humanity you are doing by exposing your car to a risk. If your car gets damaged, then your family will suffer, and you will not teach as many people to do yoga and/or will not teach them as well. Sometimes – though not necessarily in this case – it may be better to ignore the common courtesy and to take care of yourself, and in this way – of everybody else.
This person seems as motivated by the desire to look clever than to help you. You were trying to accomplish two goals: park and be considerate. We’re I to respond to this clever individual, I would have mentioned, “The man who shits in the road meets flies on his return.”